I haven't made an entry in a long time. Not because I haven't been thinking about food issues, but because I don't have the internet at my apartment. I'm currently sitting in one of my college buildings. It's been months, I think, since I made this account and posted the first entry. I'm down to 160 lbs (at 5'9) It's not noticeable at all. I look more or less the same. I'm the sort of person who doesn't show weight loss or gain until at least 20 lbs. My clothes also fit the same.
In my apartment one of my housemates is anorexic. At the beginning of the last school year she was pretty big -- I remember thinking "wow!" when I first saw her when I came back to school. She lost the weight over the year and now at the start of this year she's pretty tiny. She doesn't have a skinny girl frame though, and she's not super skinny -- just slim. It's weird though. She literally doesn't eat. The one time I ever saw her eat anything was when she ate a bag of bugle chips (or whatever those things are). She puked immediately afterwards, which I heard through the bathroom door when I was walking down the hall to my room.
I read her diary. It was one night when I had insomnia. She wasn't there because she sleeps at her boyfriend's a lot these days. It was all about food. It was a great trigger, to be honest. Part of the trouble with living in this apartment is that everyone around me is really, really thin. According to the one boy who's bigger (he obviously sought me out to talk to about this and find comfort, seeing me as the other "bigger" person) all his friends (the male versions of my housemates, same social group) are anorexic. Which isn't at all surprising, because they're painfully skinny.
Living is this new setting is both good and bad. It's good because no one else is eating, so I don't end up in those situations where you eat because everyone else is, and it's social. Also, everyone's so conscious of food that it helps me maintain focus, and remember to be conscious of it instead of just stuffing it down my throat for comfort. And it's very guilt-provoking and thinspiring to be around skinny people all the time, people who look so fucking good in jeans.
But it's bad because I feel like the fat one. Thing is, in most settings I'm the average one. I never lose weight when I feel hopelessly fat -- because I have no hope. I punish myself with food, like "look Jane, you deserve this you fatty" instead of feeling wonderful and light when I don't eat. All my ana periods have been correlated with feeling wonderful and fated to be thin. It literally feels like destiny then, like I'll soon be able to fly; I don't even have to use willpower, the food seems like some tawdry temptress that I can just tsk tsk at and smile.
I wonder if other anas/ednos experience it this way. Sometimes it seems like other girls are paradoxically more depressed and anxious when they're at their skinniest. Like they're headed for a crash. You can tell when they write that they're horribly insecure about it. It's seems like their mental state deteriorates with the lack of food.
I think I'm going to post in a group about fiber. I want to take low-cal fiber to keep my system running when I eat less. I don't want my metabolism to slow down so much that I only lose weight slowly.
Over and out.